how to get siblings to play nicely?
For those of you, parents, who never really have to deal with sibling rivalry, good for you! We are not so lucky! Since S turned 3 years old and L 5, they fight more than ever - over toys, over attention, over who gets more approval, over popularity and many other trivial things like chairs and even imaginary stuff!
Some says, siblings always fight when they are young. It's normal. When they grow up, they will turn out just fine. "Look at me! i fought with my brother too but we turned out great and we are very close now!" they often say. Others suggest that sibling rivalry is a phase that will pass as the kids grow up. These advice offer some comfort for a while but disappear quickly when my girls start bickering, fighting and saying hurtful things to each other at home and sometimes in public. Somehow deep within me, i feel that there must be something that i can do to make my motherhood more pleasant and my outlook for the girls, more positive. Seeing the girls fight, and not getting along, make our hearts ache every time. It's excruciating if you know what I mean.
Reading Nurtureshock chapter 6: The Sibling Effect gave me lots of insight to why siblings fight and how to deal with it. Here are some interesting finds of mine:
* Observational studies have determined that siblings between ages 3 and 7 clash 3.5 time per hour, on average...
Wow! (So my kids aren't that bad! not at the average yet! hahahaha...)
* According to Dr Hildy Ross at the University of Waterloo, only 1 out of every 8 conflicts ends in compromise or reconciliation - the other 7 times, the siblings merely withdrew, usually after the older has bullied or intimidated the younger.
* other findings show that 4 year olds tend to treat their friends better than their younger siblings by using less controlling statements and showing less rage and more tolerance.
* kids don't have an incentive to act nicely to their siblings compared to friends because the siblings will be there tomorrow, no matter what.
*So do children grow out of it (being nasty to their siblings)? Studies show that the answer is no.
*Having siblings does not enable one to possess better social skills than onlies (only child). If the social interactions with the sibling are always negative, chances are that the child may possess poor social skills even outside home.
* According to Dr Laurie Kramer, in many sibling relationships, the rate of conflict can be high, but the fun times in the backyard and in the basement more than balance it out hence this net-positive is what predicts a good relationship later in life. In contrast, siblings who sibling ignored each other had less fighting, but their relationship stayed cold and distant long term. She started a program called "More Fun with Sisters and Brothers" where instead of conflict management, the children learn how to initiate play with siblings, how to find activities they both like to do together and how to gently decline when they are not interested. She emphasized on conflict prevention rather than conflict resolution. Last but not least, parents are mere facilitator at home, their job is to reinforce the rule that kids use their steps together to work it out, without parents' help.
*according to the book, Kramer's program is effective.
*children's books that are supposed to teach children how to be a better sibling like berenstain bears may end up doing more harm than good. Most of these books demonstrated virtually as many negative behavior as positives ones and it's the negative examples give children new ideas of how to taunt, argue, belittle, tease or threaten a sibling!!!! (this is horrifying for me as we read lots of berestain bears and it's true that there are a lot of vivid examples where the brother bear and sister bear were rude to each other or to their father bear! Maybe that's why the girls seems to have lesser respect for hubby but greater respect for me since the book likes to mock the father!!!! hahaha...funny but a very serious problem when discipline is needed.)
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So what effect does this chapter in Nurtureshock have on us and our girls? so far, peaceful playing after setting some rules about sharing, taking turns, being polite and gentle. My hubby could do his stuff and i could do mine while they play! :) We just need to pop into their bedroom as patients while they play nurse nancy! I made them a nurse's hat each, gave them their aprons, some sweets for medicine, dora bandages and cotton wool balls! Setting boundaries and rule is So simple yet we've never really thought of that! They had lots of fun playing nurse nancy yesterday and there was no fighting the whole day! What an achievement!
Hopefully this method will last. We tried rewarding stars on their star chart a while ago and there were no quarrels too for a long while. But i think this time, the rules and boundaries would have helped both to develop better social skills rather than just keeping them out of fights and bickering! And no more Berenstein bears for us!
Below are photos of the "little nurses" going dancing after "work"! So adorable!
Good morning!
Hi good morning! I'm so glad that L is not late for her first day ofschool this morning! And it's such a beautiful morning even though it's raining a little! It's so dreamy...
Have a dreamy day...
here's a gorgeous gorgeous blog to check out for the day...A Tumblr New Year
Birthday Parties...
The stressful time of the year has come - planning for L's birthday. I'm actually envious of parents who neither feel the pressure nor need to throw birthday parties for their children. I have about 9 days to think of a party that doesn't cost crazy amount of money, requires minimum effort, has a guest list that is not excessive but is as inclusive as possible and that is fun! A tough job indeed! Perhaps impossible! So here i am, searching for ideas...please, please, send me ideas if you have any!!!!
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From Sundry Mumsy: This was such a lovely and cosy party for a 9 year old girl! Apparently, she had a Alice in wonderland party when she was 8! She has an Amzaing mom (Hannah Alexander)!
Hahaha...i also chanced upon this lovely vintage party photo fromlovedaylemon's flikr... read what she has to say about birthday parties in about 1951!
looking back, looking forward...
(Picture from our 17 mile drive)
As the year 2011 is coming to an end, i'm sitting here in the kitchen by myself, thinking about what i should write on a new year's eve when most of our friends in Stanford are out at a new year's eve party.
We were supposed to be there but our kids fought just before we left. There were tears, shouting, hysterical moments, anger management etc...etc...what a way to end the year! But thank God that there were also reconciliation, hugs, story books and cupcakes to end the night for the kids. They were also told that tomorrow will be a new year, a new beginning, let's all be better sister to each other.
Perhaps, this is the reason why many people like to make new year resolutions. The act makes us feel that, yes, we can start afresh or we can be better, we can be more accomplished the next year!
I used to do reflections at the end of the year and make new year resolutions as i was growing up. After a while, i realized that they were always the same:
1. to exercise more,
2. to read more,
3. to save more,
4. to pray more,
5. to love more and
6. to eat lesser...
but i never kept to them so i stopped reflecting and i stopped making new year resolutions. I thought, don't bother, it'll all be the same. And it did. Time and opportunities slipped through the year. I'm the same every year or maybe worse! Oh terrible! terrible! Terrible!
So I resolved to
1. exercise more, (once a week?)
2. read more, (1 book a month?)
3. save more, (buy less baking stuff!)
4. pray more, (every morning?)
5. love more and (speak very gently when i am angry????)
6. eat lesser...(no chocolates at night!!!!)
What lies ahead, i don't know. Hopefully, in 2012, at this time, i could say that i did it for the first time!
Happy new year!
XOXOXO
Sarah
Last Part: Walking Around San Francisco (Union Street - Laguna - Japan town)
Oh my goodness! I can't believe that it took me 5 blogposts to sum up what we did in a day, to be exact, in 7 hours: walking from San Francisco Caltrain station to Ferry Building to upper Grant Ave to Washington Square to Union street shopping district and to Japan Town!
It was quite a workout, especially walking towards Union Street shopping district: walking up steep slopes. But the reward was gorgeous sceneries - views of the Alcatraz and the bay bridge and of course my favorite victorian architecture...
By the time we reached Union Street, our legs were so tired and i had developed blisters...ouch...hence we spent most of our time at Union Street resting in Starbucks. I only took photos of two shops:
1. The gingerbread builders which was packed with parents and kids...
2. Chronicle bookstore
Finally when it was near to dinner time, we checked out the fastest route to take using the free wifi and we dragged ourselves out of Starbucks. We walked past the posh neighborhood of Laguna and towards Japan town.
I couldn't wait to eat my sushi at Ino Sushi - a small little restaurant run by an old Japanese couple. The place can only fit 15 people at most i think. Unfortunately, this is a no kiddos restaurant.
Along the way, I admired the houses, as usual, especially those adorned with chirstmas trees and mistletoes...it really felt like christmas...with the cold air...and lights around...
When we reached Japan Town, it felt like we were in Japan indeed! It was nice!
If you are wondering if we walked back to the caltrain station, the answer is NO! We took a cab! I needed it!
Part 4: Walking around San Francisco (Washington Square and the handmade hat shop))
It's already in the late afternoon around 4pm when we arrived at Washington Square, the first thing that caught our eyes were the Sts Peter and Paul Cathedral and the art show. 
But after crossing the street, hubby saw the Goorin Bros Hat Shop (the north beach branch)and left me for it. He was still on his hat hunt. This was a great opportunity as the last time we came across the Union Square branch, the kids were restless and the shop was much smaller and very crowded. He was lucky to find a cap that suits him here and at a discount too! Thanks to Christmas!
Part 3: Walking around San Francisco (Grant Ave, North Beach)
I walked out to take more pictures as i was worried that taking pictures within the store might be offensive.
Unfortunately, hubby couldn't find a hat that fits. So we walked on. There were a couple more shops that offer tailoring servinces but not as cool as Al' Attire. There were also several chinese looking shops since it's near Chinatown.
Then we saw Old Vogue...
It's not a handmade shop but there were many cool vintage and used clothing. Next to it was an instrument shop that dispalyed some antique instruments outside. I lost interest after a while but hubby stayed inside old Vogue for a while and found a couple of cool jackets. After much consideration and googling he finally decided on a bomber's jacket. He was proud of his find as he said they still maufacture these pilots' jackets but they are now made in China and not in US, unlike THIS ONE. I knew that he was very pleased as he went on to explain why the jacket was black on the outside and bright orange on the inside. In case you don't know, this is why: so that the pilot could flip the jacket inside out when he needs to call for SOS when his plane crashes. :)We walked on...
...and saw this beautiful shop that sells antique maps, books and prints...the shop was beautiful with full length bookshelves full of vintage books and walls decorated with beautifully drawn maps...we walked on again...
till we saw this shop called AB fits that sells all the cool jeans and hubby dragged me in to try a pair of Raleigh Jeans that he later on bought me for Xmas present. I was appalled when he told me that i am not supposed to wash it for a year! But he said, this pair of jeans is all you need. By now, you should be able to figure out who is the cool one with lots of fashion sense. Unfortunately, it's not me but my engineering trained hubby. How is that possible?????
We also passed by two other nice shops that are worth being mentioned here...unfortunately, we didnt' get anything from little vine or cykel...and walked on to washington square...
To be continued...
Part 2: Walking around San Francisco (From ferry building to Broadway)
There was no through road and we couldn't walk through the hill, so we turned left and continued along Sansome street...
until we find ourselves walking along Broadway, where happening night clubs and bars lined up on both sides of the street, making it the red light district of San Francisco...still i couldn't stop snapping photos of the bricked buildings with fire escape stairs!!!!
The New Sun Hong Kong Restaurant at the junction of Broadway and Colombus Ave:
At the crossroads of Broadway and Colombus Ave, we turned right into colombus Ave and made a right turn again into Grant where we saw the first handmade shop(@ 1305 Grant Ave near Vallejo St) of the trip...
To be continued...
Part 1: Walking around San Francisco (From SF caltrain station to ferry building)
Thank you for trying to cheer me up when you read that i've lost many photos that i had taken in the last 3 weeks! But guess what? My hubby performed some miracle and actually recovered my photos from an empty trash can! Amazing i thought! But he couldn't save the videos.
Then two other miracles happened today:
1. hubby and i were able to travel to San Francisco without the kids(because they just wanted to spend time with their grandparents at home). We are actually sick, especially hubby, but the opportunity was just too good to be missed!
2. When i took out my camera for the trip today, I realized that the photos and videos i thought i've lost forever were still in the camera!
Now that i have sooooo many photos, i decided that i should be more disciplined in updating this little blog of mine. I'll probably have to back date many stuff but let me just deal with a part of what we've done today. Frankly, we walked so much today and chanced upon so many amazing shops that i will not be able to cover everything in one blogpost. Hence here's the first part of our journey:
We took the Caltrain at 10:58am and arrived at San Francisco at around 11:40am.
Along the way we passed by CHROME. This is cool. Just before entering the shop, this bag caught my eyes and i was admiring it for quite a while.
But messenger bag is no good for a thirty something woman like me with a back problem. Nevertheless, it is a very cool bag.
Right behind the display window were the sewing machine and the sewer, busy making customized Chrome bags. Hence you not only hear the cool busy in the background but also the sewing machine.
When we had enough, we walked on, towards Union Square. Then i saw the bay bridge and suggested that we go to ferry building instead. It was a long walk, up and down hilly roads.
While walking towards ferry building, along the bay:
The weather was chilly even with the sun. Hence after a long walk, we decided to have something hot, soupy and comforting: our favorite Pho (vietnamese beef soup noodle) from Slanted Door. The restaurant was packed as usual and without a booking, we had to wait for 2 hours. Of course we didn't wait for so long! We just bought what we wanted from the slanted door take away kiosk and sat outside the restaurant, slurping up hot soup and noodle, while watching children feeding sea gulls and the boats sailing on the sea. What a beautiful way to have lunch without having to spend too much money!
After lunch, we continued with our walking, in search of union street that is lined with small quaint shops instead of big departmental stalls at union square. Instead we found many beautiful handmade and vintage shops along Grant Ave...we wouldn't have found these shops if we had driven to San Francisco!
to be continued...
Speechless...pictureless...
It has been 25 days since i last wrote on this little blog of mine.
Mom and Sis came to visit.
We went to the Disney World in Orlando for thanksgiving together. Met our good friends from Singapore. Had lots of fun at Disney. Took tons of pictures and videos.
Came back to Stanford.
My macbook Pro died: airport can't be turned on...followed by the screen.
But all photos are safe in memory cards and hard disk.
Brought mom and sis around Stanford: Hoover Towers, Main Squad, Memorial church ... took lots of photos.
Taught them how to take the cal train to San FRancisco during weekdays when my hubby and kids were in school. Took Photos...
Drove them to San FRancisco...took lots of photos...even the toilet!
Sent the dead laptop to Applecare and received real service: I was given a brand new macbook pro with 3 years warranty...all photos saved...
Went shopping with mom and sis for our very first Real Christmas tree imported from Oregon. Took lots of photos: the buying, the setting up...
Sister taught us some simple crafts to decorate the tree (cut out shapes and wrap the cardboard with aluminum foil.) Took lots of pictures.
Celebrated hubby's birthday together. Took lots of photos...
My mom and Sis left after 22 days of visit...
Hubby and I brought the kids to SFMOMA (San Francisco Modern Art Museum) yesterday and we doodled a lot...took lots of photos...
Yesterday, while trying to move photos around new and old libraries (from old laptop), 2 hours later, a click sent all beautiful memories into outer space...
i went to bed in tears...all are gone...
and here i am now, typing out very briefly all that had happened over a time span of about 25 days...
....
time to take more pictures... ;)
XOXOXOXO
